Amicable divorce means you come to an agreement on the terms of your divorce without litigating. Essentially, it's an uncontested divorce. The focus is on compromise rather than winning. You may not get everything that you want, but you get a fair agreement that you can live with.
Many spouses end up with acrimonious divorces (also called contested divorces) because they think it's the only option. As you prepare for divorce, making a conscious effort to work together can make a world of difference in the outcome of your divorce.
An amicable divorce isn't for everyone. If your spouse has been abusive, seek help from the local authorities so you can get the necessary protection for yourself and your children.
How to divorce amicably
Use the following guidelines to help you divorce amicably.
Have an amicable split before filing for divorce
You don't have to rush into filing for divorce. Take your time to talk to your spouse about the best way to amicably separate. Will you continue to live in the same home? How will you share time with the children? Many ex-spouses split their parenting time 50/50, yet usually only one is called the custodial parent while the other is noncustodial.
Eventually, you can file for divorce together, which in some courts means you won't have to make any court appearances. Most courts require a separation period before a divorce is finalized.
Focus on the future rather than who is to blame
How long your divorce takes largely depends on how thoroughly you and your spouse can reach agreements about child custody, property division and anything else the court needs to approve.
Some spouses spend a lot of time fretting over who is to blame for the divorce. Pointing fingers will only create division. If you want an amicable divorce, you'll have to leave the past behind. Take proactive steps to legally end the marriage, and create space for both of you to move on.
If you're a parent, moving on will also help your children cope with the divorce. The way you treat one another will impact your children's opinion of you and shape their future relationships.
Choose a dispute resolution method that suits you and your spouse
You and your spouse can negotiate an agreement on your own, or you can get professional help from a lawyer or an alternative dispute resolution professional.
Alternative dispute resolution (ADR) methods help you negotiate an agreement outside of court.
Divorce mediation focuses on facilitating a conversation between spouses so that they can reach a compromise. Mediation is generally accessible and affordable. Many courts and legal aid offices offer free or low-cost mediation services. Plus, it can help spouses learn to communicate better.
Collaborative law involves lawyers (one for each spouse) who help negotiate the terms of the divorce. Specialists like property appraisers may also be involved. This process can get expensive, but is good for spouses who need help speaking up for themselves.
In arbitration, each spouse presents arguments and evidence to an arbitrator who makes a final decision based on what they've heard. Arbitration is quite expensive and unavailable in some locations. Though it can be nice to have someone else make a decision, arbitration may elicit the same desire to "win" as a divorce trial.
Consider your options and choose a route with your spouse.
Don't expect everything to be perfect
You may still have some disagreements. Focus on the most important topics and the fairest ways to handle them. Getting too caught up in agreeing 100 percent will only distract you. Each of you will have to compromise.
Communicate effectively
Be mindful of your tone and how you communicate. If you're overly emotional, you may say something you'll later regret.
Also, figure out which mode of communication works best for you and your spouse. Sometimes, it's better to write out your thoughts as you'll have more time to think about what you're going to say.
Be mindful when hiring a lawyer
Lawyers are a valuable asset to divorcing spouses. Although many divorces are completed without legal representation, consider whether you need a lawyer or might at least benefit from having one.
You can consult with a lawyer anytime. It doesn't hurt to ask questions (though you may have to pay for their time). Merely speaking to a lawyer doesn't commit you to moving forward with a divorce.
However, be aware that "lawyering up" too early can make the process feel more hostile. Consider beginning to negotiate the terms of your agreement with your spouse, directly or with the help of a mediator. Once you and your spouse have made some progress together, you can hire a lawyer to protect your interests and make sure your agreement is fair.
Choose a lawyer who prioritizes settlement over "winning." Bringing in a lawyer who is brash and litigious can make the process acrimonious — unnecessarily so. Don't jeopardize your chances of staying amicable with your ex.
